…If you’re obsessive/compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
…If you’re co-dependent, have someone else press 2 for you.
…If you have a multiple personality disorder, press 3, 4, and 5.
…If you’re schizophrenic, let the little voices tell you what number to choose.
…If you’re manic depressive, hang up. We don’t want to talk to you and no one will answer anyway.
…If you’re paranoid, stay on the line. We know why you’re calling and what you want, and we’re tracking the call.